Sabickford’s “Greatest Hits”
I’m not saying it’s hot outside but two Hobbits just threw a ring into my backyard
Warning- going to sleep on Sunday will cause Monday
I want to start juicing but I’m hesitant, I don’t know how to juice Tacos
I’ve finally lost my mind. If found Don’t bother to return it. It wasn’t working properly anyway.
For the first time in forever, I decided to go shoot some pool tonight. You should have seen the look on the face of those swimmers.
Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
I had My Wife Begging to me the other night – She was on her knees Begging – She Said Please come out from under the Bed and Fight Like A Man
I only do what the voices in my wife’s head tell her to tell me to do…
Chinese proverb: “Man who want nurse for girlfriend must be patient”
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I’m still looking.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
‘ll bet you $4,567 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.
I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.
I’m great at multi-tasking – I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
Tomorrow is “National Take Your Flask To Work Day!” I just made that up. Tell the Others,
I was born with my heart on my sleeve, a fire in my soul, and a mouth I can’t control
Being married is like having the freedom to do whatever your wife tells you
It’s ok to swallow your pride, You won’t gain a pound
Inside me is a thin man trying to get out…I usually shut him up with chocolate.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Right before I die I’m going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels to make the cremation a bit more interesting.
I hate it when the voices in my heads go Silent… I never know what they are planning.
How many boxes of these Thin Mints do I have to eat before I start seeing results?
Wouldn’t it be really fun if breast implants came with Squeaky toys inside them?
I’m not so sure about an inner child, but I have an inner idiot that surfaces from now and then.
Nothing Says ‘I HATE YOU” like giving someone’s Kid a Drum Set
TEENAGERS tired of being harassed by your parents? ACT NOW move out, get a job, and Pay your own way , QUICK while you still know everything!
A State trooper was asked on a Exam “What would you do if you had to arrest your mother?” In the Blank he put “Call for Backup!!!”
The cashier said Strip down, facing me. How was I to know she meant my debit card?
To All Trolls – So tell me.. Is your butt aware that you head had moved in?
When people cut you down or talk behind your back remember, they took time out of their pathetic lives to think about you.
You’re not drunk until you have to grab onto the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Sometimes life bites you in the Butt. Thankfully I have enough padding there to take the hit.
I sometimes put a sticky note on someone’s car saying “Sorry for the Damage” . It’s kind of funny watching them look for the damage.
Be the reason someone smiles today! Or the reason they drink. Whatever works.
I need a part-time job that pays $30,000 a week.
My brain is experiencing technical difficulties. Please stand by…
Don’t they already have enough comedians in Politics?
Karma is like a rubber band. You can only stretch it so far before it comes back and SMACKS you in the face.
Never water yourself down just because someone can’t handle you 100 proof
A police office came to my house and asked me where I was between 5 & 6. He seemed annoyed when I answered ‘Kindergarten”
The more you weigh the harder you are to kidnap. Stay Safe – Eat cake.
I’m 100% sure I called shotgun, while you were shoving me in the back. Yea I realize I’m being arrested but the rules of shotgun are pretty clear, Man.
I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you need to be ‘Saved” or you will “Burn”. Stupid Firemen
I started on a new diet. It’s called the “I have $10 until Friday” diet
Not one drop of my self worth depends on your acceptance of me
If procrastination was an Olympic Sport, I’d compete in it later.
I Think my problem is that I have really Fantastic bad ideas
I stopped explaining myself when I realized people only understand from their level of perception.
Don’t believe all the rumors you hear about me, the truth is much worse.
Old People at weddings always poke me and say “You’re Next!” So I started doing the same thing to them at Funerals.
I Hate Tacos! Said No Juan Ever
I have been putting a lot of thought into it and I don’t think being an adult will work for me.
Sometimes the first steps to forgiveness is understanding the other person is an idiot.
I hate the term “Crazy” – I Prefer Happy with Benefits.
When I was a kid you didn’t have to say “Don’t Try This At Home!” Because we weren’t complete morons back then.
I believe that everyone else my age is an adult, whereas I am merely in disguise
When does Hibernation start because I am 100% participating in that.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years without a brain has given hope to many people.
Insanity is Hereditary. You get it from your kids.
I’m not much on Seizing the Day, I just poke at it with a stick.
I swear some people need a stamp on their forehead saying “DON”T REPRODUCE”
My bank has a new service where they text you your balance. It’s cool, I just don’t think they should add “LOL” at the end
If Being sarcastic burned calories, I’d be transparent by now.
“I need to talk to you!!” These six words have the ability to make you instantly recall every bad thing you have ever done, and some you didn’t
You know it’s been a good day when you didn’t have to unleash the flying monkeys.
Don’t be afraid of being outnumbered. Remember Eagles fly alone. Pigeons flock together.
Relationships are like a walk in the park- Jurassic park
The hardest part of parenting is trying to fake mad when your kid does something bad but Hilarious.
My soulmate is out there somewhere, pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Now they’ve invented a pregnancy test with a curved handle so you don’t get pee on your hands. Listen, if you aren’t ready to get pee on your hands, you definitely NOT ready for Motherhood.
Our town was so small the we didn’t have a town Drunk, So we all took turns.
Look, I’m trying to Rant Here. Stop interrupting me with Facts and Reason
Not to Brag.. I don’t even need alcohol to make bad decisions.
I am fluent in three languages…English, Sarcasm, and Profanity
My Morning coffee makes me feel like I have my stuff together. I don’t. But it makes me feel like I do.
My son asked me to explain women to him, SO I bought him a Xbox game for his PlayStation.
I don’t need someone who sees the good in me. I need someone who sees the Bad and still wants me.
You are going to be Fine. You come from a long line of Lunatics.
I think I need professional Help. A Chef, A Butler and A Maid should do it.
In a packed Elevator, everyone is silent. Stomach: I will now Demonstrate the Mating call of a Whale.
If you line up all your Ex’s in a row you can see the flow chart of your mental Illness.
Don’t use the Bathroom in your dream…It’s a Setup!!!
Before you ask me to babysit I think you should know that I think kids are super funny when they’re drunk.
Eggs are fantastic for a fitness Diet. Don’t like the taste? Add cocoa, butter, flour, sugar & butter. Bake 30 Min.
Got emotions? There’s Alcohol for that.
And then alcohol said “put that on Facebook, it’s hilarious”. But alcohol was wrong, So Very wrong.
Sometimes it’s just more fun to take the low road.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Some things are better left unsaid. Which I realize right after I have said them.
Someone offered me grapes but I declined. I’m not used to taking wine in pill form.
I’m not Cheap, but I am on special this week.
That awkward moment when you’re singing a song you often sang as a child – and you suddenly understand the lyrics.
Judging by the looks of my hair this morning, I think I may be a Muppet.
Shout out to everyone who got through the day without taking a nap. Pulled a All-Dayer! Pretty Cool!
I think way too many people have been drinking from the Fountain of Stupid
Well what day will you have time for my shenanigans?
Lieabetes (Lie-a-bee-tees) -noun- A serious affliction some people suffer from that prevents them from being able to tell the truth regardless of the situation.
I Planned to take over the world, But I’m Tired
I found some things to do today. They’re called mimosas
Wine-O-Lympics Everyone’s a winner in these games
The revised Serenity Prayer…God grant me the strength to accept things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the devoted friends who will post bail money when I snap.
Redneck word of the Week Twerk….Imma have two more beers then it’s back to TWERK
This antidepressant works best if you take it with water lapping near your hammock on a Caribbean beach.
I’ve expanded my skills. I can now forget what I’m doing while I’m actually doing it.
I never thought I would be the kind of person that would get up early to exercise. I was right.
Wish me luck in the Olympics. Just kidding I’m on my forth cupcake.
Dear God, I’ve been very good today- No grumpy thoughts, no swearing, no smacking people in the head and no whining at all. But I’m about to get out of bed so I may need some help with the rest of the day.
Some of the best moments in life are the ones you can’t tell anybody about.
The secret to being happy is having a good sense of humor and a Dirty Mind
The Lysol commercial told me to disinfect the things I touch the most. I have a feeling that this is going to burn.
We have to stop this recent culture of people telling us they’re “Offended” and expecting us to care
I ‘ve learned so much from my mistakes I’m thinking of making a few more
It’s been one of those “I can no longer be held responsible for my actions” kind of days
What do you call a sleepwalking Nun? A Roamin’ Catholic
You may not have lost all your marbles, but there’s definitely a hole in your bag.
I used to be crazy but one of my voices is a therapist and declared I am sane.
Just call me the little engine that said “Ok, but I need a cup of coffee first.”
What does it mean when Holy water sizzles when it hits your skin (asking for a friend)?
Some say that their body it a temple…Mine is a bouncy castle
Diet Tip: If you feel hungry you could really be just Thirsty. Drink a pitcher of Margaritas and see how you feel.
Today I bought a doughnut without the sprinkles. Diets are hard.
If Pigs could fly imagine how good their wings would taste.
Never ask a woman eating ice cream straight from the carton if she is OK.
Oh Lord, Please Keep all the stupid people from breeding. We are getting badly outnumbered down here.
When you see my head tilt to the right and I start to stare into space, I would RUN! The voices inside my head gave me a brilliant idea. Be very Afraid!
The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.
Chocolate comes from cocoa, which comes from a tree. That makes it a plant, therefore , Chocolate counts as a salad. You’re Welcome.
I run entirely on Caffeine and Inappropriate thoughts.
Why Weigh yourself? You could set yourself on Fire and then roll in Broken glass and still feel the same way.
Don’t cling to a mistake just because you spent time making it.
Everyone has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack.